Your heart’s beating faster. You’re used to his 7 AM drunk calls but they never get any easier. Especially if you just called it quits, and you know in that moment he’d be banging your door and ringing the door bell endlessly until you open, if you were there, because he has in the past, but you aren’t home.

You don’t even know if you feel guilty about not being there or relieved.

You’re too shaken up to even try and sleep again, even though you fell asleep two hours ago. Sick to your stomach. It’s going to be a really long day now.

He sounds hurt. And you kinds find comfort knowing he cared- cares. Not that you wanted to hurt him but that’s inevitable, but knowing that things coming to an end had an effect on him…because you two have been playing this cat and mouse game for way too long, let’s see who cares less who is more indifferent, that you started to forget that probably he loves you too.

He’s right about just one thing of all the stuff he said. He was struggling to get the words out because of the booze and his friend trying to get the phone away from him, but i told them he needed this: to get things off his chest.

He said i should have said it to his face. I know i should have. What kind of coward ends things by a text message? But i wanted to be clear and tell him the things exactly as i wanted to say them and it would have been of no use to rehearse them anyway, once we saw each other we would fight and scream and say nasty things and go off script (likely id forget it all together) and probably kiss or fuck or something. I didn’t wanna get confused again, didn’t want my resolve to quiver or my heart to inflate again. I just wanted things to die, thought he was in the same page. He’d been reaching out tho

But it was way too hard. This way i could detach a bit from it, pretend it was all happening to somebody else.

Then he said he’d never said or done anything to hurt me. And isn’t that the most fucking hilarious thing you’ve ever heard? How is it possible that someone is so delusional, all he’s done is hurt me and stab me in the back. More times that i can count these past few years. Me too sometimes but im talking about him, he’s the one that started it. I know he knows it but he wont own up to it.

And then he has the audacity to play dumb, the victim, tell me I’m the bad guy.

And in that moment, im reminded.

Your heart stops a bit and you can breathe again. You know why you’re doing this.

It’s going to be alright